Yesterday I pulled my pants down to go pee and a nickel fell out of my underwear. I later used that nickel to fund a cup of coffee. What? I washed it off.
Just when I think I am at the top of the hobo heap, I encounter a real hobo and realize I'm playing in the minors.
I went to the grocery to buy my weekly supply of ramen noodles. Then I got on the bus and went home. At my stop about 20 minutes later, when I stood up and picked up my paper bag of groceries, the bottom fell out. Because it was soaking wet.
And wouldn't you know, a super hot man sitting across the aisle tries to help me with my mess. I am so discombobulated and slightly embarrassed to have a hipster resembling Daniel Craig picking up my ramen, tampons, and sausages, that I don't see the pool of liquid they are all sitting in.
"What spilled?" asks Daniel Craig.
"You must be new to bus riding. Don't ever ask a question you don't want to know the answer to," I respond.
Then I see that my grocery bag was the dam in a river that stretches to the back wall of the bus where there is a man passed out, bent over, with a forty of beer spilling from the crook of his arm.
Daniel Craig reaches onto his seat and pulls a plastic grocery bag from his own pile of groceries. He hands it to me and says "I always double bag."
I grab the bag and flee. "Thanks!" And I am out the back door of the bus, my tampons and sausages clasped to my chest.
James Bond sure knows how to treat a lady.
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