Pick Me Up Before I Pee On Myself

This is my favorite time of year. Spring is synonymous with promise and renewal. I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, ready to flutter. 

Does it count as a metamorphosis when you emerge from the dirty, fleece, cocoon of a Snuggie?¹

Whenever I come home, Mondo is very excited to see me. He emits a high pitched screeching noise that you can hear from outside. My theory is that he recognizes the sound of my car honking when I lock the auto-locks and almost immediately starts his dolphin-like squeal.

Today I tested this theory by locking the door manually from inside the car and walking very quietly on to the porch. I turned the key in the lock very gently and didn't say a word to Dinah when she greeted me at the door. It wasn't until Mondo could hear Dinah's excited "Welcome Home" tap dance that he started screeching.

I descended the stairs to the basement where Mondo and Seeley have their kennel. By the time I started down the stairs, both Mondo and Seeley were excitedly wagging and begging to get out of the crate.

Here's the thing, though. After releasing the kennel door,  if you don't pick Mondo up  right away, you run the chance of him peeing on himself in excitement.

As soon as the kennel door pops open, Mondo runs to the top of the stairs and then turns around and dances on his hind legs. By the time I get to the top of the stairs, he is so excited he literally sprinkles pee as he jumps up and down and the pee goes right on his feet.

He needs Depends. He has a bladder control issues usually reserved for the very old or very drunk. Or Kirstie Alley.

While I hope I make it through this spring without peeing on myself, I am equally as excited that spring finally hurried the fuck up and got here already.

Sorry for the swearing. I felt like the emphasis that word provides was warranted. Swearing is good for many things, saying adios to winter is one of those reasons. The general election is this fall. That too warrants a lot of swearing. Gird your loins in advance.

I felt like it took forever for the sun to set today, something I was concerned about only because it is hard to con a three year-old into going to bed when the sky is still light.

The later the days stretch, the giddier I get. I can't explain it but I'm sure this is because there is more time to read, craft, drink (coffee), gossip and watch Criminal Minds.

Let us hope the spring lasts slightly longer than the life cycle of a butterfly but not so long that it pushes summer back. We need summer so that we are excited for fall. Fall is the second best time of year. But more on that later.

Later as in five months from now.

In the mean time, take a shower and shave your legs. Hug a lamb and plant some beets.

It is spring, y'all!

Be excited, just don't pee your pants.


1. This is an exaggeration. I've not been a Snuggie pupa. My mother has denied me that God-given right be refusing to return my Snuggie via the United States Postal Service. I understand her hesitation. I'm sure on one hand she is doing it for my own good and on the other hand, Snuggies are very comfortable so she kept it for herself. On a third hand², who can trust the USPS these days?
2. My mom has three hands.³
3. I'm a liar.