Free brow waxing did not go as I thought it would. I was mislead by the Benefit counter girl last weekend who made it seem as though I could breeze in, get some hair ripped out of my head and go on my way.
I got to the mall quite early due to previously mentioned lapse in work schedule memory. After eating some horendous food court curry and finishing Swish: My Quest to Become the Gayest Person Ever (not so much guidebook, more like a homo memoir), I headed over to Macy's, still early.
As I was standing towards the front of store smelling various perfumes and such, I slowly realized the overhead music I thought was a little louds was actually a live DJ spinning near makeup.
A sense of dread masked as stomach acid coursing against tide up my throat proved accurate as I realized the Benefit counter was having a freaking EVENT at which I would be getting my eye brows waxed.
I got in line and instantly wished I was dead.
Here is a list of things I hate:
1. People.
2. People who tell you that someting about your face is wrong and you should be wearing make-up to cover it up.
3.Teenage girls (Especially when they are People).
4. Feeling uncomfortable.
5. Pretending to be something you are not (i.e. comfortable).
6. Large crowds.
7. Club mixes outside of clubs.
8. Listening to club mixes without a drink in my hand.
9. Standing in a line to wait for something you made an appointment for.
10. People.
I seriously thought about leaving. But I really needed my brows waxed and I really needed it done for free. Short of convincing RF to pluck them like I used to make him do in college, I had no choice. RF is in Toronto. Free waxing was in front of me.
Eventually I was led over to Laura who sat me down and with out saying much, began waxing. And it hurt like a bitch. Here I was, sitting amidst about twenty middle age woman who should not be shopping at the Benefit counter (perhaps Lancome?) and about twenty teenagers (I wore Jane make-up and Bonnie Bell lip gloss until I was 18 - what is wrong with teens these days?). There was super loud music making the seat vibrate. And yet Laura was surprised I jumped about a foot in the air when she ripped off the first wax soaked piece of linen. "You have done this before, right?" she asked.
Yes I have. Never sitting upright in a director's chair surrounded by so much estrogen and noise. I usually go to Dosha's. Where you lay on a padded table with candles and soft new age-y music lulling you. Where it smells nice (not like commerce) and the ladies don't say things like "You can really tell a big difference. It looks so much better. Dramatic." (Die, Laura, Die.).
After Laura finished ripping my forehead apart, I was shuffled over to another director's chair by the only guy in the group, who kept dabbing the sweat on his face with those paper make-up sheets.
This is where an exotic looking pierced tattooed girl began brushing make-up all over my face to cover up the red area from the wax. But I did learn a few things.
1. She used to be in a religious cult.
2. She was going tick-or-treating for the first time.
3. She was dressing as a slutty Wednesday Adams.
4. She was taking her niece who was dressing as a bumble bee.
5. After she got out of the cult, she got all the piercings and tattoos because they were forbidden in the cult.
6. I look so much better with make-up on.
6. The make-up she was putting on my eye cost $30.
After this, I left. And I didn't leave a tip (There were a lot of people between me and the tip jar).
I felt insecure and manic and sort of depressed. I felt like eating a burrito. But instead I walked the 2 miles home and contemplated the reasons why I left other people make me feel bad about myself.
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