This is my life.

I am not a restful sleeper. I do two of the most annoying things a sleeping person can do. Well, actually about four of the most annoying things a person can do after hogging the blankets and occasionally snoring. I talk in my sleep and I sleep walk. There are nights when I wake up on the couch and don't know how I got there. I have woken in the kitchen, pouring a glass of water but did not stop pouring in time and the water was overflowing the glass and spilling on the floor, splashing my feet. Those are the mild occurrences. There are more examples, nothing scary or sinister (sorry EB) but still a bit weird.

Last night I had one of the most lucid dreams of recent memory. I was in a state of half-wake/half-sleep. In one moment I was dreaming and the next second trying to clear my head and fall back asleep. I was aware that I was dreaming and waking in alternate seconds. It was almost like having a conversation with my self. I kept sitting up and then laying down and then sitting up and rubbing my face. And then rolling over and trying to think blank thoughts. Then trying to make up a story in my head which usually makes me fall asleep. If I was smart, one day I would write down the stories I make up in those moments before drifting into sleep and then publish a book. But as soon as I fall asleep, I usually forget the story.

There was a moment when I seriously thought I was developing a split personality. It was the strangest thing. I was thinking, so this is what happens when your mind splits in half and you become crazy. But then I realized it was just a dream. I eventually fell back asleep and had what is probably the craziest but best dream I have ever had. Purely based on the vivid images and complete dialogue that went along with it. And here is why you should never channel flip between the F/X Network and E! right before going to bed.

I had a dream that I was friends with Khloe Kardashian and Keanu Reeves. They were dating and they were in some weird co-dependent, semi-abusive, drunken relationship. The whole time, KK was narrating as though she were talking to a camera (like a reality TV show). And we went on a drive and then we went to the beach and to a carnival. I can't even describe it to do it justice. It was balls to the wall fucking crazy.

This morning, after waking at 8:30am, I decided not to dawdle in bed and get up to shower and do the dishes and other things. I don't work until 3:00 p.m. I normally would lay around in bed, reading or napping but after the dream and the crazy sleep, I thought it best to put some distance between me and the Serta.

It was a really good morning. Sort of a grungy spinster's paradise. After taking a shower, I sat on the couch near the window with Chaser, drinking coffee and reading Dead Until Dark while listening to NPR.

I received a text message from an unknown Montana number and it was a picture of Mom with a note saying, "These are your mom's new glasses." And they were big old lady glasses, huge round plastic frames that eclipsed her eyebrows and cheek bones. "Are those old lady glasses?" I texted back.

For as long as I can remember, beyond when they were fashionable (if they ever were), my mom wore old lady glasses. Finally, in high school, when she was going to get new glasses, I volunteered to go with. "You always pick out old lady glasses," I told her. And that was the dawn of a new era in frame ware for my mammer-jam.

Well the old lady glasses in the picture were a joke. They went down to DB's room at the nursing home (a resident I once took care of when working as a CNA) and borrowed her glasses to take the picture. A bit later, I got to see the real frames (wire!) and was happy with her choice. But I called mom at work and she answered the general line, giving me the opportunity to open with "Did you get old lady glasses?" after she finished saying "Thank you for calling Valley View Estates, this is Colleen."

I always feel better about life after talking to my Mom. She and BN just returned from Yellowstone Park where they biked more than 25 miles around the park with the buffalo and bears. The park is about to open for the season so they wanted to get in while they could before the tourists flood in. She's amazing and crazy but I hope when I'm in my (early) 50s, I'm doing stuff like that instead of sitting on the bus riding to work.

Today is my brother JH's birthday. He is 32.


After talking to Mom, I did the dishes, fixed my hair and drank some more coffee while the cat stood there screeching at me. I'm pretty sure he was saying "Let me outside, bitch." Or perhaps if he were polite (which he is not) "Please let me outside so that I may rendezvous with my friends and have a chat and a cup of tea."