Wherein Bry feels like a kid again and not in a good way.

I'm feeling a strange sensation of being hungover. Or maybe the crash following a sugar high.

This is perhaps the low in the summer. I will go on vacation and return feeling happy and relaxed, but first I must weather a small storm.

It is unbelievable how different I feel this week in comparison to last.

Suddenly I am paranoid of everything I say and do.

I'm walking on eggshells, but I never cracked the egg.

When I was in second grade, we spent the final week cleaning the classroom. We dusted, mopped and sanitized. In retrospect, this is a little too children-in-a-sweatshop for my taste.

One of our final tasks was to empty our desks and then wipe down our desks and chairs with soapy water and a rag.

The entire year, I had the good desk. It was old, made of wood and had an extra big storage space. The chair was attached to the desk and it was so big it had to be in the corner of our U-shaped layout, a prime spot for a loudmouth like me. All of the other desks and chairs were plastic and aluminum.

The teacher took all of the chairs and put them in the center of the room. Each kid then washed their chair and desk. I couldn't take my chair or desk to the center of the room because they were so big . So while everyone else cleaned, I had to sit at my desk and watch.

As I sat there alone and with no task, as everyone else was mucking about and chattering, I became increasingly glum and just plain sad as I wondered why I couldn't clean, too. Then I started crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the teacher.

"Why am I left out?"

"Well for goodness sakes, your desk is old and made of wood. It can't get wet."

This made sense and I stopped crying, though I burned with shame and embarrassment. I still felt left out, but it was with good reason. For days after that, until the final day, I was angry with my teacher.

I had the best desk all year long and felt so special until the very end, when what set me apart also put me on the fringe.

I've been feeling similarly over the past few weeks, but I can't decide which specific part. Is it the feeling of being unique dashed by dreams of normalcy? Am I feeling left out? Or do I feel like a lack of communication has led me to feel slightly shameful and resentful.

Suddenly I have all these great things in my life but what I really want is what everyone else has. And the everything is just out of my reach.