Hobo With A Shopping Cart

I'm really starting to get in the groove of this whole liquidation sale. Lots of people streaming in the doors hoping for free books only to find out they are paying barely below list price. Their grumbling is a balm to my soul. I'm enjoying the complaints.

Yeah, you are right, it does suck nothing is cheap. If we are going under, you better pay full price baby. This ain't double coupon day.

We've been playing awesome random music on the overhead, though today's Janet Jackson CD made me feel like I was in Macy's. A little too hip for the nerds.

Several times today I said "If that wasn't so funny, I'd cry."

It was mostly in reference to the loss of dignity the store experienced over the past few days. Everything feels tired and old. Suddenly we've aged and we can't make it to the bathroom without an accident. We are skipping retirement and going straight to the grave.

How many other old-ager analogies can I make?

The real kick to the pride happened when a woman came strolling through the door with a shopping cart.

Wait up. Reverse. Kick it back.

A shopping cart.

Our mall looks like this:



You don't roll no shopping cart through the a mall like this. We ain't no Safeway. We ain't Piggly Wiggly. We have a goddamn Sak's Fifth Avenue and a Crate and Barrel. Have a little dignity, my friend!

AM asked the lady to kindly remove the cart from the store. Which she did. Though she conveniently left it out front where another customer later pulled the same Class A move.

At that point, I volunteered to relocate the cart back to the Storables store it came from.

Which is how it happened that me, a self-proclaimed hobo, rolled a shopping cart through the mall.



Actually, that picture isn't accurate. I would never wear stretchy pants to work. I don't believe in stretchy pants (you might refer to them as sweat pants). Stretchy pants are that article of clothing you put on when you want to fall asleep on the toilet. I don't poop, therefore I need no stretchy pants.

I spent most of my day putting out bargain books. These are books that once cost a lot of money then never sold and were sent back to the publisher and then re-purchased months later at a 90% discount, only to be put back in the store for 1/4 of the original list price.

This all could have been avoided if the publisher hadn't priced them so high in the first place. Or if the publisher hadn't believed The Situation was going to be a #1 bestseller.

I set the bargain area up in the area we used to have a cafe. At first I was really into it. I started making jokes about it being Bry's Bargain Bookshop.

I was going to get a visor and a candy-striped vest and an old timey cash register that clinged and clanged when I pushed the buttons, one with a crank to total the sale.




But then it started to look like a terrible yard sale. Maybe a flea market. And then, worse still, a swap meet.

Eventually, I felt I was metaphorically opening up the trunk of my car to sell hot goods.

Basically, I turned this:



into this:




At that point, I reached the brink. I could stand no more. Thank God it was 3pm and I was out of there.

And now, I gotta go see about a girl.

Do me a favor, send your local bookstore a basket of muffins. Or at the very least, a kind thought.

And for the love of god, DO NOT EVER TAKE A SHOPPING CART INTO A BOOKSTORE.

Post-Rapture Looting and more liquidation fun.

I've been joking around about the post-rapture looting that has been going on at work. Customers are behaving like wild pigs, rooting around and making messes before moving on to find a new truffle. In their wake they leave empty coffee cups and rejected books.

 

I just googled post-rapture looting in order to find out what that date was that we were all supposed to die. Something in May, right?

 

The first website to come up was a website called After the Rapture Pet Care, aftertherapturepetcare.com.

 

As far as I can tell, I can't actually fully read the website because it makes me giggle and I can't concentrate on the content, the owners of the site/company will have found volunteers from the hordes of non-believers to stay behind to care for your pet. So when the Christians are whisked to heaven, an Atheist will still be here to care for your pet.

 

Apparently, they don't think little Spot or Jo-Jo cares if his new owner doesn't go to church and thinks God doesn't exist.

 

The makers of the site say in the FAQ section that they are not kidding. HAH!

 

This site doesn't make me laugh because of religious reasons. Believe or don't believe, I don't care.

 

This site makes me laugh because 1) apparently animals are heathens and won't go to heaven, and 2) there is a video! Check out the video! I can't link to the site because I'm writing this on my cell phone, but the video is freaking hilarious. Lots of pictures of animals looking skyward and looking sad.

 

Upon further reflection, I realize this is all probably old news and you already have your post-rapture pet care figured out.

 

Anyways.

 

I really meant this blog to be about work. But I lost my train of thought. Here are some things work related, lest you think I've stopped caring about our Going Out of Business (GOB) sale. See! We already have an acronym to cover up our pain!

 

The GOB sale is full of FUN. That is an acronym for Freaking Unbelievable Neanderthals.

 

Yesterday I answered the phone and a dude said "Yeah, this is Frank from Barnes and Nobles and I just have to say HAHAHAHAHA You guys a going out of business."

 

Never has a phone been placed in its cradle with such force and disgust.

 

Is there a Frank?  Probably not. Frank is a made up name. I know no Franks.

 

I'm also coming around to see the humor (before it was anger) in the disgusted customers after I say "No I can't look a book up for you. I don't have a computer"  and also the looks on their faces when they realize they are barely getting a discount.

 

True story. These people could have saved more before the liquidation by being a Rewards member.

 

Here is a little FAQ sheet I made up just now to help our customers (or possibly you!) through this difficult time. These are our most asked questions:

 

How long is this sale going on?  I don't know for sure. 4-6 weeks.

 

How much is this item I found on the floor underneath other piles of crap? I don't know.

 

When will things all be 40% off? I don't know.

 

Can I return this? No

 

Do you have more of this? No

 

What are you going to do after the store closes? I don't know.

 

Do you think E-readers are responsible for this? No

 

Can I write a check? No

 

Will you take this coupon? No

 

 

It's actually very easy to help customers now!

 

I am amazed at how many people just want to hang out in the store. Yesterday we moved all of our chairs to the window area and turned them upside down. Customers just flipped them back and took a seat. 

 

We don't want people lounging around the store now because they leave piles of crap sitting around. We are not no longer in browse mode.

 

It's not personal, it's business.

 

Go to the mattresses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adventures in Liquidation: Day 1

I'm sad to report the bookstore is going out of business. I know I've never said specifically what company  I work for, but it should be no surprise to hear I've been working for Borders Books for the past 3 years. 

It is a bit misleading to say this is day one of the liquidation, we have not actually started selling things off as they are still working their way through the court system to finalize the sale to a liquidator.
 

The best part of today was getting to tell the scavengers "Um, no, we haven't started any sales." Or watching people walk through the stores looking for big discounts only to find things as normal, but too embarrassed to ask "When do things go on discount?"
 

Thank you to the news, who have apparently been reporting the sales started today. And that our doors will be closed on Friday.
 

This is going to be a tough process to watch and to work through. My hope is to keep blogging about it because 1) writing always helps me cope and 2) as painful as this is, there is still some humor in the situation. I hope this can be a record of my last days as a bookseller.
 

Day 1: Grief Counselor and an Attitude Adjustment.
 

The phones rang all day long. There were so many people in the store, it was actually our busiest day in a long time. Ironically, we've been making our sales goals for the past week or so. 

And today was a great day sales-wise if only because of the rush to spend gift cards.
 

The employees are taking it fairly well, but we've been in bankruptcy for six months so that makes sense. I sometimes want to assure them that I am sad about the whole situation and not to confuse my constant laughter as insensitivity. Believe me, if I could cry about it or show some sort of sadness, I would. I think the last day I use my key to let myself in or out will be the day I lose my mind.
 

By and large the majority of the comments from the customers have been supportive and expressions of sadness as well as gratitude for helping them all these years.
 

I've felt like a grief counselor.
 

Lots of nodding. Tilting the head to the side and scrunching up my face, murmuring soothing noises.
 

The cafe is closing first, Thursday is the last day. Today as I watched some Dosha hair stylists buying coffee, I wondered "Which mall coffee shop will now get their business?" I'm guessing Peet's. The Starbucks is across the busy intersection but Peet's is just around the corner.
 

The phones, the phones, the phones.
 

I've long wondered about people's phone etiquette. Chewing while talking on the phone? Seriously, don't be an ass. Greet people nicely. Say hello and goodbye.

Last week my boss said she started blaming everything wrong with society on Facebook. That made me laugh. I decided then and there to blame everything on Facebook.
 

And while I was listening to a phone customer complain about having to drive to Clackamas for their books now, when he hadn't even said hello when I picked up the phone, I though God Damn you Mark Zuckerberg! You put us out of business!
 

A preposterous idea, but hilarious.
 

By and large the question is "Are you still there?"
 

Well i answered the phone, didn't I!!?
 

It definitely had a Christmas feeling in the air today. Long lines, stupid questions, and tons of recovery (abandoned books we have to put away).
 

I've always tried to have a super positive attitude in the face of even the rudest customer. I've dealt with some doozys. There was the giant man in sweatpants that once yelled at me, left the store, came back and yelled at me again.
 

The couple that yelled at me for not properly representing Jesus in the Christmas displays.
 

The lady who crumpled up a CD and threw it at me when I refused her return.
Today a woman wanted to return a Panini book she got as a gift because she was vegan and had no use for a book about paninis.
 

Yesterday they announced the liquidation at 1:30pm and we had our gift cards and loyalty programs pulled by 2pm. We had no way to offer her a store credit because we couldn't process it. Aside from which, I wasn't taking back her goddamn panini book.
 

This is a list of the sins Borders and I committed against her:
 

1. We have terrible customer service.
2. No other company ever refused to take things back with out a receipt.
3. She is never shopping with us because we won't accommodate her return and she promises none of her friends will ever shop there again after she tells them not to.
4. We are terrible, terrible people and have done a terrible thing to her.

5. Can't we just look up her credit card history for proof of payment (I've long wondered why customers would want a perfect stranger to have access to their credit card history).

This continues for several minutes in a barrage of repeated insults about what a terrible person I am. 

A little known fact about me, I'm almost incapable of yelling and getting super angry. I can raise my voice, but the guilt I feel afterwards is so uncomfortable, I can't sleep at night.
 

This is not to say I will let you screw me over or walk all over me, but I for sure will not be yelling at you. I will calmly explain why you are making me angry.
 

When it comes to the store, I always let the customer get away with things and I take their yelling in stride and just suck it up.
 

But not today. I couldn't handle it. I'm going to be unemployed and there are 50 employees at the store also facing unemployment.
 

So this time, I'm finally able to get an appropriate amount of anger in my voice. I'm able to tell her it is terrible! Terrible that we are going out of business! that we are losing our jobs! That I can't give her a credit on a book I have no proof she bought from us because I have no physical or technical way to do so. So terrible that I have nothing I can do to help her and she should probably leave.
 

I was shaking so hard after the interaction, I had to run to the office. I had to tell my boss this woman threatened to call corporate on me and that HAHAHAHA, joke is on her, we don't have a corporate office any more. GOOD LUCK.
 

And then I was very sad. But I went back on the floor.

And I tilted my head to side and said, Thank you so much for being a good customer, and, It is sad, and, We don't know when we are starting the big sales. 

I said this to 1000 more customers and worked 6 more hours. And then I drove home the long way so that I could look at the water and the bridges, my Portland touchstone.