Don't waste your money. I will fix all your problems.

I just noticed my age listed on Goodreads.com. This is not to say I didn't know I'm 31, but seeing it in print is jarring, especially when I sometimes forget how old I am.

I don't really feel a lot of the pressures of age that some people my age are starting to feel. I always say that I'll know I'm headed down hill when I get my first grey hair and start using eye cream.

Truth is, I find most health and beauty regimens to be ridiculous. I like to pretend I'm a pioneer. And did pioneers worry about fine lines? No. At least not according to the only Pioneer Handbook I've ever read.

Bry's Pioneer Handbook

A few mornings ago, I woke up to some interesting coupon offers in my email inbox.

The first was an offer for some good old sea salt therapy. Sit in a room and breathe in the sea salt fumes. But wait! The sea salt is from the Dead Sea!

Now I will stop myself from completely making fun of the therapeutic values of sea salt, because I know I always feel better after a trip to the coast, but the idea of spending money to sit in a lawn chair in a room with a floor covered in salt seems a little silly.

One session costs $30. I've got a better deal for you. For $5, you can come over to my house and use my sea salt shaker as a bong. Then we'll use the $5 and get drunk.

I specialize in redneck therapy.

The only salt you need is the bit you lick off your thumb before shooting tequila..

Really, these two coupons just remind me how Portland-y Portland seems sometimes.

Pirates.
Naked Bike Rides.
Open Air Hot Tubs**
Darth Vader playing the bagpipes while riding a unicycle

Portland, Oregon. Get your weird on.


**This is the only Tubbs you need.