I'm going to visit my Mama next week. My Mama lives in Montana and for the first time in 11 years, despite visiting at least once a year, I will actually be taking a flight into Missoula.
Normally, I climb onto the Greyhound bus here in Portland, put on some headphones, and self-medicate my self into a 14 hour coma and hope to make it through to Missoula without being murdered by a bus riding hobo.
This year, due to a constrained schedule, flying is really the only option.
While I'm gone, my four-legged roommate Mondo will stay with AM and MK. Probably mostly AM since AM is the owner of Seeley, Mondo's best friend with benefits.
I decided to write this letter to AM as an instruction on how to properly care for Mondo, things beyond feeding him and offering fresh water.
Dear Sister Wife:
Thank you for being so magnanimous as to add the extra burden of Mondo to your already full days.
I realize you are fully aware of what Mondo needs as you see him on the daily, but there are few little unique quirks about Mondo that I thought you need to know.
1. His Busniess Interests - At night, don't be alarmed if you climb into bed and find bones stashed in your pillows. Mondo has a lucrative side career in Bone & Toy Acquisitions. He is aggressively growing his portfolio at the moment and I ask that you look the other way, as a favor to me, when you realize his collection is mostly of toys you probably purchased for your own beast.
2. Your Business - Mondo is fully committed to assisting you in your bathroom regimen. He believes his observation of your use of the commode is vitally important to his existence. Additionally, please be aware that he will most likely recline in repose outside the shower while you bathe and then offer his services in Therapeutic Foot Bathing, something that requires him to lick your feet the instant you step out of the shower. While I realize Mondo is neither a gentleman nor an apostle, he will attempt to show his affection by licking your hands and feet. The only way to avoid this is to cut off your hands or feet, though I'm sure he will believe your arm and leg stumps are equally needy of his Therapeutic Bathing.
3. The Loo - Mondo remains semi-capable of going outside on his own to use the grass commode. I find that he is more inclined to use the restroom on his own when he knows that I am in my own bathroom and he can therefore run over to the basement window and observe my process through the non-frosted glass like a world class spy (or creepy peeper). I will neither confirm nor deny that in order to see me through the window, I must be using the bathroom with the door open. A lady likes her secrets. As I don't see that it would be efficient and beneficial for you to go to the basement to use the loo, he will have to make due with going on his own. This of course does not apply to when he wakes up and before he goes to bed. At that time, he must be escorted outside like a prisoner.
4. Conversational Needs - Mondo likes to be addressed as Booby Lou, occasionally as Mondo Pondo Pudding Pie, and rarely as GODDAMMIT MONDO! He likes it if you ask, "Do you want some breakfast? Are you ready for breakfast? Is it breakfast time?" before feeding him, this applies to morning and evening meals. If you could also tell him "You are kind, you are smart, you are important" at least once a day, he would very much appreciate the ego boost. Any time you pick him up, please sing "I like big butts and I cannot lie" while you jiggle his butt fat. He also likes it if you pet his Buddha belly post meal and say "Do you have a baby in your belly?" Finally, any time you refer to Mondo in conversation with other humans, please refer to him as "Little Dude" if you mention him in fondness and "Dick Head" if you refer to him with rancour.
5. DIY - Mondo likes to assist in DIY projects and I like to encourage positive and creative enrichment for his mental and physical health. He especially excels at sleeping on fabric and eating the plastic heads of pin needles. Don't be alarmed if you find your recently sewn craft project in the back yard, that is his way of telling you your project is so beautiful, he wants to sneak onto your desk, grab the project in his teeth, and hide it outside.
6. Walks - If you take Mondo for a walk, feel free to simply walk him to the end of the street and back. I've found that Mondo is equally as excited by walking six blocks as he is of walking three miles. I apologize in advance for his barking. He doesn't like weird looking people, especially the hobos that sleep in the park.
I believe these guidelines will serve you well during your week of dog-sitting. Alternatively, ignore all of the above and just keep him alive.
Thanks again,
Bry
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