Murder Bry Wrote

As I was driving home tonight, I decided that the Fourth of July is really a good day to do some murdering. Think of all the havoc one could wreak just as the loudest boom of fireworks goes off. 


These are the things I think about. This is why you love me and are mildly scared of me.


Everyone at work tonight was talking about these two things:


1. Andy Griffith died. 
2. Alec Baldwin said some really crazy things in Vanity Fair. 


The first, that Andy Griffith died, is sad. The second, unsurprising.


Most specifically, Alec Baldwin said of a paparazzo, "I wanted to stick a knife in him and gut him and kill him and I wanted him to die breathing his last breath looking into my eyes."


Obviously, Alec Baldwin didn't do this and that is just some good old fashioned Irish rage talking. But his thoughts make me feel better about my dark thoughts. 


I do love Alec Baldwin. In fact, a few weeks ago at trivia, our quiz master asked for some suggestions for trivia topics and I said "Alec Baldwin" and she said "Who?" and I sad "ALEC BALDWIN!" And she said "No one cares about Alec Baldwin." To which I wanted to respond, "Fuck you? And people care about 80s butt rock, cartoons, and candy?" Because terrible music, cartoons, and candy seem to be the theme of trivia every week, which is sort of infuriating. 


But whatever. 


My point here is that as long as one does not act on them, it is okay to occasionally have dark thoughts. It is a creative mind at work. I don't think these thoughts because I want to follow through with them. I think these thoughts because I want to write a book about them. And because I watch too much Criminal Minds. 


A few days ago I was driving home and saw a city vehicle pass by. The side of the car said "Forensic Services" and I literally almost peed my pants. I wanted to follow the car to the crime scene and ask a lot of questions, chief among them, "Do you know Dr. Spencer Reid?"


The truth is that I could never murder someone because I think disposing of the body could take a lot of energy and I'm actually pretty lazy (shocker) and dislike guns, digging holes, lifting concrete, and duct tape. Remember this should you ever be called to testify in my defense. 

I threw in this picture of Alec Baldwin because he was very handsome at age 26 and I could forgive him anything. Actually, I could forgive him anything just for taking Liz Lemon under his wing, but being extremely handsome does help. 


I am not extremely good looking. On occasion, I can be mildly clean looking. 


Several people told me I look pretty today, but I don't care because I don't want to sleep with any of them. They probably only said I look pretty because I'm wearing a clean shirt and some free make-up. Also, I've really perfected the sexy tousled hair look and I will tell you how to achieve the same look. 


1. Don't wash your hair for several days even if you take a shower (it is really tiring to shampoo). 


2. Don't brush your hair for several days and hope all the snags work their own way out. 


3. Wear your hair down because you can't find a hair tie. 


4. Drive to work with the windows all down because it is hot as balls in your car and there is a suspiciously moldy smell wafting about. Try to hold your head against the headrest so you can maximize the cross-breeze. 


5. While trying to find a toothpick in the center console, pull out a scuffed up, black and white polka dotted headband and decide that will work to keep your bangs out of your face. Boom. You're done. 


I give you this advice because I love you and want you to look your best, too. And I promise you now, I will never stick a knife in you.