A public service announcement about pants.

Yesterday I stood in the lobby of my place of business, a locally owned bookstore, for an hour. It was during this time that I realized there is a large cross section of Portland women who believe leggings are a suitable alternative to pants.

I have a rule that if you can see the creases and folds of your lady bits or the outline of your butt crack, then the pants you are wearing are not in fact pants. They are tights or nylons and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Cue Bry Hoeg turning into her great-grandmother. Though I don't remember her, from everything my mother has shamed me with, I know she was a stickler for manners and propriety.

"Bryanne, don't spit. My grandmother would roll over in her grave."

"Bryanne, don't swear. My grandmother would roll over in her grave."

"Bryanne, don't leave the house wearing that dress. It is too short. My grandmother would roll over in her grave."

I feel like it is our job as women and women with friends and as the friends of other women to say "Hey, I can see your camel toe."

Because if there is anything worse than walking around with camel toe, it is to be the friend walking around with the person who has camel toe. People will assume you know your friend has camel toe and that you are therefore an asshole for not telling your friend they have camel toe.

I know this to be true. There is a large cross section of Portland women who walk around with their friends who wear leggings as pants and I think that these women are assholes.

But it is not just leggings as pants that set off my internal great-grandmother.

It is also jeans and khakis with no butt pockets.

Pants with pleats.

Acid washed jeans worn on days other than Halloween.

Pants that sag, on purpose or otherwise.

Skinny jeans on fat people.

Skinny jeans on skinny people.

Red jeans worn with red shirts. Any colored jeans worn with a same colored shirt. (You are not part of a rainbow and/or Chris Brown. Please dress accordingly).

Right now you are asking yourself "Bry Hoeg giving fashion advice? The girl that wore the same capri pants and dirty sweatshirt all through college?"

I know that you know I am a fashion icon in my own right, obviously I'm the epitome of Goodwill chic, though I do like to spice things up with the latest Target or Ross designer wear.

But as a life long reader of Elle and Vogue magazine, and a fan of Project Runway, I believe I'm suitably qualified to tell the women of Portland they need to wear a dress over those leggings.

And for the love of all that is holy, please wear underwear.

But that is a blog for another day.

The End.