Monday, October 14, 2013

Zen & the Art of Candy Crush Saga

I've recently taken up yoga. I'm saying it as such not to make you think I'm a yoga master, but to let you know that it is something that I'm paying actual money to learn and not just cribbing from the internet for free. Though time will tell if I could have saved a bunch of money or not.

The reason I started going to yoga is that I tend to internalize and compartmentalize my life in a way that neatly hides stress, but the stress is still lurking. I'm also what you could call a work-o-holic. Yoga is supposed to be relaxing. Also, I'm starting to get a little creeky in my old age. Release stress, become more bendy. Good goals.

My problem at yoga class is two fold. 1) while doing the poses, I tend to think about a thousand things other than my breathing and other than feeling the stretch. Or feeling "My roots going down into the earth" as the instructor asks us to do. 2) It takes a lot of concentration not to laugh when people are farting and snoring in class. Because I'm a toddler and I laugh at immature stuff.

The other day, as we were in corpse pose (how each class ends), I could hear some other women in the class snoring and I sort of smiled, even though I was supposed to be concentrating on relaxing my jaw and feeling my inner ears. And it dawned on me that I'm doing yoga wrong. I'm trying NOT to fall asleep but isn't sleep the ultimate indication of true relaxation?

But I'm so worried about the potential embarrassment of falling asleep and having to be woken up, that I concentrate very hard on staying alert.

I'm sure that with more practice, I'll eventually get there. But in the meantime, while laying on the mat, I'm thinking about stuff to do at work. Doing laundry. Recipes. Books I'm reading. Danny Castellano. Did I remember to feed the dogs? I should mow the lawn. Oh crap, I forgot to email so and so.

And then suddenly class is over and I forgot to be zen. I did the poses. I feel stretched. I'm mind is not relaxed.

My mind never stops moving. And when I force myself not to think about home or work, I think about really dumb stuff.

Like Candy Crush Saga.

As I was downwarding my dog and trying not to laugh as someone farted, I tried to clear my head. I tried to concentrate on my muscles. On my rib cage. On my spine. All of those interlocking bits of bone that zip up my back. Oh gosh. Its like Tetris. Oh gosh, Tetris is like...

...Candy Crush Saga. And then I was picturing a candy crush board in my head. I was shifting yellow lemon drops and cherry candies around. I was visualizing it so clearly that it was if I had my iPhone in my hand and were playing the game.

Except in my head, during yoga, I was really good at Candy Crush Saga. Which is not true about real life.

Can I just digress here for a moment and talk about how that game is just one big old slot machine masquerading as a game? They make it nearly impossible to finish a level without having to buy extra lives or extra bonuses. And when you run out of lives, they make you wait 5-20 minutes before you get more free lives. OR! or! or! you could buy some more lives! For just 99 cents. I have yet to cave and buy any lives, because that's dumb, and screw you Candy Crush Saga (also, you're sort of geniuses and probably bajillonares so good on you).

But hopefully my yoga hours will no longer be filled with imagining moving candies because I deleted that game off my cell phone.

This morning I found myself watching a You Tube video about how to beat level 23 and it was at the moment that I realized I had to stop cold turkey.

Which means that at yoga tomorrow night, I can think about farts.

Because that's what every 33 year old should be thinking about.

1 comment:

  1. Candy Crush uses some sort of mind control. I actually made it to level 72 before being unable to beat it without purchasing something. After weeks of playing the same level over and over I finally deleted it. I still dreamed about it for a week afterward.

    Good luck with yoga, it helped my bum knee and quiet my rambling mind. The key is a good mental bitch slap whenever your mind wanders.

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