Sunday, December 22, 2013

Burritos are dead to me.

"Remember when we used to eat burritos every day?" asked my friend.

Yes. Yes, I do. And I miss them every day. But about 9 months ago I divorced burritos. I left the burrito lifestyle behind and broke free of the oppressive smothering hold burritos had on my life.

Have you ever ate a burrito so delicious that it was like a religious experience? Bit into the gooey, cheesy, warmth, breaking through its perfectly blanketed tortilla exterior?

I love burritos. Present tense. I love them so much.

Steak fajitas burrito from Chipotle, I love you.

Chorizo burrito from the cart pod on 50th and Division, I miss your face.

Thai burrito from that one nameless foodcart on Burnside, I want to take you in the alley and make you pregnant.

Last summer I started a new job and in my first week, a coworker asked me a very important question. "Burritos or pizza, Bry?"

I had to think about it very seriously. Of course, burritos. No question. But what did he want me to say? Did he want me to pick pizza? This was like one of those personality tests designed to tell the asker more about you then you were willing to reveal.

"Uh. Burritos, duh."

He nodded. "You're cool."

The problem with burritos lies not in the tastiness, but in the ingredients. Like any comfort food, it is chock full of fat and carbohydrates. Carbohydrates are like hugs that stab you in the back. They're like squatters that move in and live on your hips and in your belly and then they start hoarding. They start spreading their trash until your pants don't fit and you have zero energy.

Eating one burrito is almost the equivalent of all the calories you should eat in an entire day.

Why doesn't anyone invent the worlds smallest, most delicious, teeny tiny, appetizer burrito? The thing with burritos is that everyone is always trying to make them BIGGER and full of more STUFF. Like fries. Or double meat and cheese. Or tortilla's the size of the moon.

We used to go to Baja Fresh several times a week and eat the Dos Manos burritos. Do you know what dos manos means? It means two hands. Burritos for two hands. Burritos bigger than your head, one for each hand.

No one should eat anything ever that is bigger than your head. Or your fist, for that matter.

So even though burritos are my one true love, we are divorced. I left them behind to fend for themselves and I'm much happier for it.


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