Murder Bry Wrote

As I was driving home tonight, I decided that the Fourth of July is really a good day to do some murdering. Think of all the havoc one could wreak just as the loudest boom of fireworks goes off. 


These are the things I think about. This is why you love me and are mildly scared of me.


Everyone at work tonight was talking about these two things:


1. Andy Griffith died. 
2. Alec Baldwin said some really crazy things in Vanity Fair. 


The first, that Andy Griffith died, is sad. The second, unsurprising.


Most specifically, Alec Baldwin said of a paparazzo, "I wanted to stick a knife in him and gut him and kill him and I wanted him to die breathing his last breath looking into my eyes."


Obviously, Alec Baldwin didn't do this and that is just some good old fashioned Irish rage talking. But his thoughts make me feel better about my dark thoughts. 


I do love Alec Baldwin. In fact, a few weeks ago at trivia, our quiz master asked for some suggestions for trivia topics and I said "Alec Baldwin" and she said "Who?" and I sad "ALEC BALDWIN!" And she said "No one cares about Alec Baldwin." To which I wanted to respond, "Fuck you? And people care about 80s butt rock, cartoons, and candy?" Because terrible music, cartoons, and candy seem to be the theme of trivia every week, which is sort of infuriating. 


But whatever. 


My point here is that as long as one does not act on them, it is okay to occasionally have dark thoughts. It is a creative mind at work. I don't think these thoughts because I want to follow through with them. I think these thoughts because I want to write a book about them. And because I watch too much Criminal Minds. 


A few days ago I was driving home and saw a city vehicle pass by. The side of the car said "Forensic Services" and I literally almost peed my pants. I wanted to follow the car to the crime scene and ask a lot of questions, chief among them, "Do you know Dr. Spencer Reid?"


The truth is that I could never murder someone because I think disposing of the body could take a lot of energy and I'm actually pretty lazy (shocker) and dislike guns, digging holes, lifting concrete, and duct tape. Remember this should you ever be called to testify in my defense. 

I threw in this picture of Alec Baldwin because he was very handsome at age 26 and I could forgive him anything. Actually, I could forgive him anything just for taking Liz Lemon under his wing, but being extremely handsome does help. 


I am not extremely good looking. On occasion, I can be mildly clean looking. 


Several people told me I look pretty today, but I don't care because I don't want to sleep with any of them. They probably only said I look pretty because I'm wearing a clean shirt and some free make-up. Also, I've really perfected the sexy tousled hair look and I will tell you how to achieve the same look. 


1. Don't wash your hair for several days even if you take a shower (it is really tiring to shampoo). 


2. Don't brush your hair for several days and hope all the snags work their own way out. 


3. Wear your hair down because you can't find a hair tie. 


4. Drive to work with the windows all down because it is hot as balls in your car and there is a suspiciously moldy smell wafting about. Try to hold your head against the headrest so you can maximize the cross-breeze. 


5. While trying to find a toothpick in the center console, pull out a scuffed up, black and white polka dotted headband and decide that will work to keep your bangs out of your face. Boom. You're done. 


I give you this advice because I love you and want you to look your best, too. And I promise you now, I will never stick a knife in you. 

Ways in which I am a hobo #4867

I used to have glasses like this:

And then I got a dog. This is him.

One day Mondo ate my glasses while I was sleeping. 

So now I have new glasses and I look like this.

There is a bit more to the story than that and if you'd like to hear it, then read on. If you don't care about my new glasses, than you might be interested in this, instead.

I actually ordered these glasses last fall. I lost my job at Borders and was about to lose my health care. I wanted to use my eye care benefits because glasses are expensive, yo!

I went to an eye doctor, who was very pleasant, and then ordered the glasses. After spending an hour trying to pick out some frames, I finally (apparently) settled on some brown tortoiseshell frames.

Then the eye tech told me about much the glasses cost. And I sort of lost my mind. Like my entire brain dibbled out the side of my head and instead of saying. "Oh. You know, perhaps I should pick out some more affordable frames," I said, "Okay, sounds great. Here is a down payment and I will pay the rest when I pick them up." And then went on my merry way.

But I wasn't so merry. I was angry with myself for not being smarter about my glasses shopping. But instead of doing something about it, I stayed quiet. I've never spent more than $200 on glasses. Ever. And now I was spending $300. Though to be fair, they are $900 glasses (I got a good deal). But I left the clinic with a pit in my stomach.

And then I proceeded to forget about my new glasses for approximately six months. I didn't go pick them up. I just left them at the eye doctor's. That was my punishment.

Until this dude...

...ate my glasses. Just a bit of the lens on the bottom, but still. He ate them.

I wore the chewed on glasses around for more than two months until I finally said "All right you hobo. Enough is enough. You look like a crazy person."

And I buckled. I picked up my glasses.

My first thought upon going into the clinic, after mild embarrassment that I was there to pick up glasses they'd been holding for six months, was "Holy shit! These are the frames I picked out?"

Because I kinda think I got hipster glasses.

I had absolutely no memory of picking out these frames. Shopper's amnesia.

And every night when I go to bed, I very carefully place my glasses in their case on top of a bookshelf that Mondo would have to be superman to scale.

Because I love Mondo, but he ain't eating my $900 glasses. I'd have to ship him off to a farm in Montana.

Regrets, schmagrets. And all that jazz.

They say don't make any big decisions after eating breakfast.

Okay, only I say that, and it is pretty true. You have a window of clarity between waking up and eating breakfast and then after that the day can go all to hell.

Which is why, after eating some hard-poached eggs and toast, I did something I will probably regret for the next six months.


Here is a photographic hint.

Remember how I always tell that one story about cutting my bangs to look like Janeane Garofalo's in Reality Bites?  Or about watching Kill Bill in the middle of the night and then cutting my bangs to look like Uma's?  No? Well those two things happened.

And then this morning, after finishing my poached eggs, I got up from the table and I walked with purpose into the bathroom and lopped off three inches. I can't explain the steps I made in between  eating and the bathroom. I kind of feel like Lorena Bobbitt, suddenly there was a chunk of hair in my hands.

I said a bangs, bangs, bangity bangs, a bangs, bangs, bangity bangs!

Now here is the real question. What should I do with my hair? I kept it in a sandwich bag.

How weird would it be to use it in a craft project?

Should I:

1. use my bangs in an art project?
2. throw them away?
3. mail them to an ex-boyfriend with a note saying "You're next."

Is there a non-profit group dedicated to the re-hairing of Barbie dolls? Perhaps you have a bald Barbie and would like my chunk of hair so you can make a wig.

Speaking of health and beauty, I got a mani/pedi today and the aesthetician kept showing me the skin she scraped from my feet and the cuticles she cut from my fingers.

Thanks lady, for making me make me feel worse about my manly size 11 feet. And when she gave me a massage, which consisted of beating my legs with her fists, she stopped and said "Strong legs? Very Strong." Then she mimed walking by moving her outstretched palms up and down. Like a horse. I'm surprised she didn't offer to shoe me.

But my hooves do feel silky smooth and look mighty fine.

New bangs and fancy phalanges. What will I think of next?