Old Bry looks nothing like New Bry, still acts the same.

The first thing I do when I wake up is reach for my phone to check my email. 

I've recently become obsessed with The Plaid Barn. Every day, The Plaid Barn posts one craft related item at a huge discount. They only sell one thing at a time and it is different every day. The posts go live on the east coast at 8am which means, depending on the item, it could be sold out by the time I wake up at 8am PST. 

And while I search for the day's deal, I get to wade through at least twenty junk emails. Like the one pictured below. 

While I realize it is the work of a complex set of algorithms and subtly planted cookies that Amazon knows to email me such things, it is more fun to imagine I'm on the their internal list of spinster customers.

I shudder to think of the things they would send me if I really did have cats. 

What Amazon doesn't know is that while I did Google search "pet strollers,"  it was so I could post a picture of one on Facebook as an example of what "rock bottom" is in pet ownership. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. 

Truth is, I've always had a great love for pets. Here is some photographic evidence from my youth.

Two dogs, Mickey the wiener and Andy the poodle. I'm going to start a band called Poodles and Wieners. Or a burlesque show. I can't decide.

I always used to say "where is that picture of me double fisting two dogs?" until I realized that double fisting is something else. Please do yourself a favor and do not Google "double fisting." You can thank me later.

Clearly I have not out grown the double dog duty. There is Mondo and his frenemy, Rocky "The Rock" Johnson.

I realize that while I'm babbling on about dogs and double fisting, you are more concerned with the glasses I wore as a ten year-old. 

Take a look. Take it all in. This is Bry Hoeg at her best. I'm a dude.

Or how about this one? Classic. Don't be jealous. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Ways in which I am a hobo #4867

I used to have glasses like this:

And then I got a dog. This is him.

One day Mondo ate my glasses while I was sleeping. 

So now I have new glasses and I look like this.

There is a bit more to the story than that and if you'd like to hear it, then read on. If you don't care about my new glasses, than you might be interested in this, instead.

I actually ordered these glasses last fall. I lost my job at Borders and was about to lose my health care. I wanted to use my eye care benefits because glasses are expensive, yo!

I went to an eye doctor, who was very pleasant, and then ordered the glasses. After spending an hour trying to pick out some frames, I finally (apparently) settled on some brown tortoiseshell frames.

Then the eye tech told me about much the glasses cost. And I sort of lost my mind. Like my entire brain dibbled out the side of my head and instead of saying. "Oh. You know, perhaps I should pick out some more affordable frames," I said, "Okay, sounds great. Here is a down payment and I will pay the rest when I pick them up." And then went on my merry way.

But I wasn't so merry. I was angry with myself for not being smarter about my glasses shopping. But instead of doing something about it, I stayed quiet. I've never spent more than $200 on glasses. Ever. And now I was spending $300. Though to be fair, they are $900 glasses (I got a good deal). But I left the clinic with a pit in my stomach.

And then I proceeded to forget about my new glasses for approximately six months. I didn't go pick them up. I just left them at the eye doctor's. That was my punishment.

Until this dude...

...ate my glasses. Just a bit of the lens on the bottom, but still. He ate them.

I wore the chewed on glasses around for more than two months until I finally said "All right you hobo. Enough is enough. You look like a crazy person."

And I buckled. I picked up my glasses.

My first thought upon going into the clinic, after mild embarrassment that I was there to pick up glasses they'd been holding for six months, was "Holy shit! These are the frames I picked out?"

Because I kinda think I got hipster glasses.

I had absolutely no memory of picking out these frames. Shopper's amnesia.

And every night when I go to bed, I very carefully place my glasses in their case on top of a bookshelf that Mondo would have to be superman to scale.

Because I love Mondo, but he ain't eating my $900 glasses. I'd have to ship him off to a farm in Montana.