What an emotional week and it is only Wednesday. I feel like pulling my Snuggie over my head to hibernate until everyone forgets everything. And then I will emerge from my blue, fuzzy cocoon a brand new Bry. (My poor Snuggie is having a bad week as well. Yesterday I declared I will marry in it, be buried in it and, just now, hide in it. I think it wants a divorce. But we are in a Catholic marriage. It's for life, baby).
A few days ago I was amazed to realize I have slept exceptionally well, not waking at night, for almost two weeks. No tossing and turning, no crazy Bry sleep walking (I kind of miss waking up in the living room and not know how I got there).
Damn me for not knocking on wood. Last night was the worst night in a long time. I finally fell asleep at 5am.
This morning I woke up and it felt like I did 1000 sit-ups. My stomach is in such knots. And while I know I talk in my sleep (AL said he once woke up and I was laying there talking and he looked over my shoulder to see if I was on the phone and was startled to see that the only thing near my hand was Pooh Bear. He swore I was on the phone with someone), sleep walking (I once woke up outside of my house in my pajamas, standing in the grass at 3am), but I don't like to exercise (clearly) when I'm awake so no way could I do it in the middle of the night. Not even if I had a dream about Jillian Michaels (wait, that is SE's dream).
No, I know exactly why my guts feel like they are in a big knot. I did this to my self. I once read that humans are the only mammals that willingly participate in self-sabatoge (often leading to death). That always struck me on an emotional front because I do have a problem dealing with complex emotions.
It seems like every emotion I have felt this week as been complex and I don't like it.
I have a lot of things to fix and I can't do it on my own. I've never been mechanically inclined. I do not like to take things apart and put them back together. I never use all the parts they send for IKEA furniture, and some how I do not think they send extras.
Last night I went to the park and was on the swings, my feet were pumping and at the very top of my incline, right before falling into the backwards swing, I felt so powerful for just that brief moment. I felt weightless and strong. Falling backwards is my least favorite part. I can't see what's behind me and it feels so sudden, but it is necessary so that I can reach that pinnacle again, and stare directly into the sky so that everything feels perfect.
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