Wherein Bry takes requests.

Back in the year 2000, I took a Public Speaking class in college. It was the easiest class I ever took and therefore, the easiest A I received.

Confession: I was on the speech and debate team in high school and while I was fairly decent, I was by no means Lincoln or Douglas. Boom! (That was a nerdy joke referencing the debates between Stephen Douglas and Abe Lincoln back in the day. Their style of debate is the model today. Oh Jesus, now I'm off on a tangent. It should also be no surprise that I was also in Model-UN.)

Because of my previous speech experience, I had no problem getting up in front of a crowd, let alone a classroom of slackers seeking an easy way to earn their communication credits to fulfill their core class requirements.

In our first assignment, we were randomly assigned to a partner and had to interview them and then use that to write a short speech to introduce them to the class. Because Luck, Fate, and Destiny are the three dirtiest bitches I know and always stab me in the back, I was partnered with Claus, a foreign exchange student. (A guy that RO was convinced looked exactly like Ryan Phillipe but really looked like Hugh Grant's gross roommate in Notting Hill. RO needed glasses).

I do not remember the entire details of the interview but I do remember saying that I ate Ramen Noodles for lunch in response to what food I ate the most. In retrospect, I think he was asking me what my favorite food was but because I could barely understand him, I inadvertently led him to believe that because I, a poor college student, ate Ramen for lunch, it was therefore my favorite food. In reality, I've never met a burrito I didn't want to marry.

Due to my poor hearing, his thick Swedish accent and his horrible public speaking skills (I am convinced that his super tight leather pants also cut off oxygen to his brain, leading to difficulty remembering that a string of words makes up a sentence and that sentences of like type make paragraphs and that you should use transitory statements to string the paragraphs together) it was pretty much the worst speech ever.

This is what it sounded like "Mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble Bry's favorite food is Ramen Noodles mumble mumble mumble."

I was slightly embarrassed. But not really. I do like Ramen Noodles. This is not the most blush worthy moment that occurred in that class. No, that is reserved for the day after a fraternity party in which, while dancing on the Delta stage, RO (of the poor eyesight) reached behind me and KT (now KM) and grabbed MY's ass so that when MY turned around, he sees me and KT standing there and assumes it was one of us. The next speech class, MY does an exaggerated stretch- yawn and turns around to look at KT and I who are sitting right behind him and then he winked at us as if to say "Take it all in, ladies. I am hot. I am sitting right here. Feel free to look at my ass."

Look at that, another tangent.

Taking that class reminded me that despite my fearless ability to address a crowd, public speaking is not a natural talent.

It also pointed out the ridiculous idea that spouting off facts about someone in some sort of rudimentary speech assignment constitutes an introduction.

Introductions in a social setting are no better. Telling people about the tangible characteristics of a person discount the less-tangible aspects, which are usually more important.

For example, I could tell you about my friend GS's jobs, at the book store, the scuba store, and the boat store. I could tell you about her hobbies, such as diving, motorcycling, kayaking.

But those are not the things that make her a great person and friend. They do not encompass her sense of humor, her great listening skills, and her empathy for her emotionally stunted friend (that would be me).

If I had to go back to 2000, I would do a lot of things differently. First, I would tell Claus that I love burritos, and for the love of God, don't ever wear leather pants again. Second, I would tell MY that I did not touch his ass and that I was going to spend the rest of the semester making fun of him for thinking that I did.

And I wish I had the lady balls to say this:

Ten years from now you won't remember any of the banal facts I could recite about Claus. You won't remember any of the facts we learned about each other today. Ten years from now you will realize that a persons interests, hobbies favorite foods, colors, and movies mean nothing. The important things that make us special and lovable are the things that can't be measured. You will learn that the best friends are the ones that don't judge you, that like you despite your love of your Snuggie. The best friends are the ones that think your quirks are what make you perfect. Those are the people you will surround yourself with.