Wherein Bry stole some free Wi-Fi to update this blog.

CPR asked me if I was concerned that CJ may read my blog.

“Well I didn’t tell him I write one so if he does, he Googled me so it is his own damn fault.”

At least that is my memory or my response, though SE may correct this. She is The Corrector. It is her particular brand of super power. She roams the streets, correcting me when I tell stories wrong, which apparently is every day and every story. Rather than finding this annoying, it is actually endearing. It means she is paying attention.

I have a busy few weeks coming up. Starting tomorrow, with RF’s birthday surprise. He conspired with GZ, a mistake I realized too late. I wish he had chosen a friend who was bad at secret keeping. RF himself is playing this very close to the chest. I feel like it is easier for him to be evasive in Boston because he doesn’t get to experience my Death Glare that usually pulls the secrets out of his head.

Then it is LM’s Last Single Lady Lady’s Night (bachelorette party sounds lame) which leads into the wedding next week.

As soon as the wedding is over, I turn my attention to M.O.V.I.N.G. again. I’m very stressed out over this, so much so that I’m quite convinced I’m going to give myself hives. I have no idea where I am moving to and it is only 30 days away. Yikes. So it is quite possible I will be living under the Burnside Bridge and brushing my teeth and changing in the Family Restroom at work.

For all my joking, I don’t really want to be a hobo, the real kind that actually has no place to go.

The older I get, the more I turn into all the things I abhor.

Cougar, real hobo, mean girl.

Wherein Bry keeps on keeping on.

Today I was on my way to work when I caught myself in the reflection at the coffee shop downtown and realized, "Hey, you can see my bra through this sweater!"

And my bra was pink. Which I think gave it just the extra touch of whore that I would typically go for on a regular old Saturday night, but not the brand of classy lady that should show up to work in Lake Oswego.

It was the mid-way point. Do I go home and risk being late? Or do I rough it out?

I finally decided on Plan C, stopping at Ross in the hopes of finding a $5 special to bring my attire up to the level of appropriateness one should shoot for when going to a job where children will be present.

I know, I'm no fun.

I can't decide if I like this shirt, mostly because it looks like there is a vagina on my shoulder.



Because I started the day out on such a classy note, I may as well go out with a bang(er) and hobo it up with this Diablo Dog that has been tempting me from the Joe's Burger stand that just opened in the mall.

The Diablo Dog is a hot dog, wrapped in bacon, and deep-fried. Then it is covered with chili, cheese, onions, and jalapenos.



It was pretty delicious. I give it 3 out of 4 stars. The bacon was overshadowed by the chili. And really, the bacon should be the best part.

Wherein Bry is the mother.

If you recall, in my birthday blog, I mentioned some craziness on my birthday evening. This was way past the super delicious Thai. Way past the drinks at Moon & Sixpence. But just before the hangover.

Not to be confused with The Hangover, the movie. While Portland is pretty exciting, this ain't no Vegas story. About as exciting as it gets is (SPOILER ALERT) too many whiskey sours, a penis shaped donut, drinks with some baby homos, and me with a memory of it all.

The real point of this blog is to talk about me being WAY TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT (WTOFTS), something JY and I said to each other with increasing frequency over the night.

Sadly, it was like being in a car on an icy road. You know you need to apply the brakes, but are afraid doing so will send you into a tailspin. It seemed like a better idea to ride it out and not risk the wreck.

I like a lot of things about my life. They include but are not limited to the following:

- My Snuggie

- Sleeping a lot

- Napping almost as much as sleeping

- Drinking coffee

- Watching movies

- Pride & Prejudice

- Having an acceptable (socially, bladder-ly, liver-ly, economically) amount of drinks with people I know and/or people I'm interested in learning more about.

They do not include the following:

- Not getting enough sleep

- Drinking too much

While I absolutely had a great time on my birthday, and love and appreciate those who made it happen, I know that I am now WTOFTS:

- Staying out to last call, especially when I know I have to be up early

- People who look 12, have IDs that say 21, but act 15 and talk like they are 30.

- People who are 22 and in open relationships because their wife wants a girlfriend.

- Bars full of people of the above 12:21:15:30 ratio.

- Bars that are really clubs

- Bars that do not serve food

WTOFTS


Funny story, I wrote this blog the day after my birthday while I was on the bus to meet SE and head to the coast. Last night I finished season 4 of How I Met Your Mother in which there was an episode about Ted being "too old for this shit." This is a direct quote of Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon. Seriously?

I guess this means I AM THE MOTHER. Ted, I am waiting for your call.

Wherein Bry's life is ripped from the headlines of...sitcoms.

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother a lot over the past few weeks. From episode 1 through to Monday night's season premier. And much like when I watched Seinfeld and Friends, I'm starting to see a lot of parallels between the plot lines of the show and my life.

This makes sense because each of these shows are about 20/30/40 something singles living in the city. Not original material as far as story lines, but in funny in their delivery. So finding commonality with a sitcom designed to entertain and catch the attention of the 18-42 crowd is like saying "Hey, I have a vagina."

Until last night, I was bemused by this. Not now.

In Season 4, Ted makes Stella watch his favorite movie, Star Wars. Stella says she loves it, but later admits to Marshall that she hated it, but will always pretend she loves it so that Ted is happy.

Okay. I hate Star Wars. Hate it. I have seen it before. Once. In a theater with my speech & debate team (hold your laughter) in high school when the 20th anniversary rolled around (hold your old person jokes). We were in Billings (I think) at a match and one of my friends (AMM) dressed up like Leia. I dressed up like Bry. There are no Bry's in Star Wars.

This will come as no surprise to those of you who know my dislike of science fiction.

Last night at dinner, the subject of Star Wars came up. I'm not sure how. CJ has an innate ability to direct things away from the topic at hand ("Have you been paying attention to the Christine O'Donnell race?") to the nerdy ("I got a copy of a Star Wars Lego game for $1 at a garage sale.") and while, to be fair, he is a great conversationalist, but, I don't understand or like video games, especially video games about movies I also hate.

I'm pretty sure he could read this in my face.

"See, my friend told me not to talk about Star Wars on dates. I'm sorry."

"No, that's okay, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't talk about Pride and Prejudice on a date and we already did that."

"Have you seen Star Wars?"

"Once." I recap the story of the exhausting trip to the theater (I'm pretty sure I slept through most of it).

So yadda, yadda, yadda, we go back to his place.

And watch Star Wars.

CJ is convinced that I will love it because he already knows I love 1) politics, 2) love stories, 3) laughing, and 4) hot men.

I just need to "give it a chance."

How did this happen you ask?

1) I really had to pee and the bathroom at Dragonfish is in the basement of the Paramount hotel. That is poor planning on their part. We were walking in the general direction of his place and I know the bathroom at his apartment is ridiculously clean.

2) I kinda wanted to make out. What dude wants to watch Star Wars when he can make out?

3) We were holding hands and I got distracted thinking "Why are his hands so soft?" and I think I agreed to it non-verbally.
Jesus.

Star Wars is loud. Yeah, Harrison Ford is kinda hot. But now he is old and married to Ally McBeal. But they run around and shoot things and who the fuck cares? I hate it. I find no inherent value.

Of course afterwards, there is the obligatory......SO??????????? look on his face.

And unlike Stella, I can't lie.

"Yeah, I still don't like it. I've been writing a blog about his in my head for the past hour."

Was he disappointed I didn't like it? No. He was actually very understanding. I think.

"You never have to watch a single Jane Austen movie, I promise," I told him.

I wasn't going to lie. I hated it. Sure, I could have pulled a Stella and said I liked it just to make him happy. But you know what? Stella was a bitch. She left Ted for her ex, a karate freak.

Don't even get me started about karate.

Wherein Bry turns 30 and goes on a bender of sorts.

Well I'm back to normal post-minication. I am officially old even though, according to women's magazines, I'm reaching my peak years. I have a hard time believing any advice that comes from a periodical that insists on putting Lauren Conrad on the cover time and time again.

When I was a teen, my friend AP would tell me I gave good advice "just like Seventeen" magazine. Well hah! I read Sassy, which was for hipsters, so the joke's on her. Or something. What was I saying?

Oh right, my birthday.

So I had a super fantastic dream-like birthday that I don't deserve. But my friends are amazing.

I spent Thursday shopping with LM and then we got some drinks before I met KT and TB for pedicures. I even remembered my flip-flops, which means my pedi wasn't junked up three seconds after it was "dry."

Dinner was at Sweet Basil Thai, and was delicious. Followed up by some drinks with friends and then a very interesting night out downtown that was a bit too crazy for my taste. More on that later.

On Friday, I met SE in Beaverton and we drove out to Tillamook. We got to our campsite at Cape Lookout State Park and it was P.O.U.R.I.N.G rain. We set up a tarp and the tent in the rain, which was a comedy of errors.

By the time GS arrived, SE and I were done moving in to the tent and popped a celebratory can of Natural Ice (henceforth known as Natty's).

Then we headed into town and shopped for some groceries (if you can refer to buying hot dogs, donuts, cheetos, nutter butters and spaghetti as groceries. I'm pretty sure Shaggy and Scooby Doo (or Cheech and Chong) would be proud).

Then we got some pizza at some place that boasted they had "The Best Pizza & Salad Bar On The Coast." I was so hungry, it could have been an elementary cafeteria and I wouldn't have cared. Of course, then the pizza would have been in rectangle pieces.

Friday night was super rainy so we decided to play cards and hang in the tent. Had some whiskey sours, some Natty's, and played poker.

Saturday, we went on the cape hike fairly early. It was awesome. I love that hike. It is fairly easy and the views are fantastic.

Saturday was the only day we had a fire. It was too rainy and windy to hang out around the picnic table with the way we had things set up. We tried to take a walk on the beach when it was slightly drizzling but the wind was atrocious. So the rest of Saturday was spent in the tent, which was actually super fun, talking and playing cards, right up to about 9pm, when we went to bed. And approximately the same time a Tsunami-Tornado-Flood started its reign of terror.

There were times I wasn't sure the tent was going to make it through the night. At one point I said "I have horrible depth perception, but it feels like the roof is too close to my face." SE assured me that was not due to my depth perception.

It was about this time that I became a cuddling whore. Word of advice, don't pack for camping when you are hungover. You will assure yourself that a yoga jacket is all you need for a weekend at the coast if it means you can lay down on the bed just one more time.


At first I was burrowing behind GS like a mole. Then I had my feet under SE's sleeping bag. At one point I had my hands and feet under SE's sleeping bag. And I'm not sure if either of them noticed, but I kept tugging their sleeping bags closer to me, hoping it would cocoon me in between. My logic was faulty (probably due to some Natty's) because sleeping between two 5-foot cubes of ice is only a good idea when someone is trying to steal your organs. And while my liver might try to argue with me, I woke up intact.

The storm was so bad, other campers left in the middle of the night. This storm was so bad, only one other camping trip compares and that was a hiking trip to Bear Lake that involved a snowstorm, broken tent poles, and TG getting the flu and puking in her sleeping bag.

Sunday morning, we were awake, dressed, packed, and on the road by 9am. Got some breakfast in Tillamook at the Pancake House, and made it back to Portland by 11:30am.

Despite the storm, I'm do it all over again, but be a bit more prepared, and bring some duct tape since, ahem, someone didn't do their genetic part.

Fun Facts about my Birthday Bender:

# of alcoholic drinks consumed: 36 (martini, whiskey sours, shots, wine coolers, real good beer, Natural Ice)

# of hours spent watching Gilmore Girls: 8

# of hours spent watching How I Met Your Mother: 6

# of hours spent slightly damp from the rain: 36

# of hours spent getting lost while driving around with friends: 2

Jokes about murdering and kidnapping while shopping for rope and tarp: 1 million

Bry-isms:

"This isn't a Sorority Social, shut the hell up!"

"I hiked my pants up to my boobs so they wouldn't get wet and now they won't come down."

"My stomach feels gurgly. I think its because there is a cheeto floating in Natural Ice in there."

(In the midst of the rainstorm) "For the last hour I've been imagining we are on Mt. Everest."

"I'm not good with knots. I forgot my Boy Scout training."

"I'm putting my glasses on in case this is Armageddon."

Wherein Bry recaps the past 29 birthdays.

29

I had to close at work, which didn't seem so bad at the time until everyone at work got stupid so then I had a horrible night. EB took me to Five Guy's at 11pm. GM brought me brownies!

28

RF, DB, JY and I went to sushi, which was fun, and then when they dropped me off it was raining and the road was blocked off and I ended up walking home in the rain and dark. I got home and got in bed because I was so cold and got the flu the next day.

27

I was moving to California in 2 weeks so Mom came out from Montana and we went to the coast with RF, DB, AA, and EBa. It was awesome. Went on a hike, crabbing, and walked on the beach a lot.

26

Went to Manzana with RF and AA and then went to Vegas the next day with AE and JY. It was fun-ish. I won some money, but was also the drunkest I've ever been. Went to an improv show, fun. Spent the morning hungover, not fun.

25

RF and DB took me to San Juan Island, Washington. We camped and went kayaking and saw a billion Orcas. One of the best weekends of my life.

24

RO, RF, KT and a bunch of other people took me out. Dinner at Manzana, bars, strip club. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I hung out with AA. Then CJ came down from Seattle for the weekend.

23

First birthday in Portland. I don't know what I did, where I went or what I ate. I'm pretty sure this was my first birthday at Manzana.

22

Last birthday celebrated at Linfield. EB and KT planned a scavenger hunt and that was fun. Dinner with friends.

21

Went to Montana right after 9/11 attacks. Mom was in hospital. Went out at 10pm on 9/15 and drank until midnight when I said "Whoo hoo! I'm 21!" Bartender was not happy. Also, BH stepped on my flip-flop and it broke so I went to a few bars with no shoes.

20

Went to Lincoln City with RO, CJ, and KT. Had dinner and then ran around with my friends on the beach in the rain.

19

First birthday away from Mom. I'm sure I spent it with KT and RO but not really sure what we did. My birthday is sandwiched in between KT's and RO's, so its a blur.

18

I was in Billings accepting an award for Montana Healthcare Association Volunteer of the Year.

17

Hmmm...

16

I went to a football game (Go Yellowjackets!) And I got a new sleeping bag.


And now we have come to the end of my memory. I really cannot think of where I was or what I may have been doing.

I'm sure I was with my mom. There were gifts. Probably cake and ice cream with CH, PH, RH and my brothers. My mom probably made lasagna or enchiladas.

But I can't picture a single thing.

As I was sitting here trying to figure out what I may have done on my birthday, age 1-15, I realized that I didn't appreciate the things my mom did for us while she was doing them.

I know that I now reflect on how awesome Mom is, but at the time it didn't click. All of the sacrifices, all the money she spent. Managing school and then work with the extracurricular activities of three kids.

And always making our birthdays special. Making whatever we wanted for dinner, having friends and family over. Every good memory I have before age 15 involves my mom.

I can still remember walking in the back door and feeling the heat and smell of dinner hitting my face. Of her asking how my day was. Of her bringing us treats and giving us gifts even on Valentine's Day.

Why is it that as a child we look for our mother's love in the things she gives us, but as an adult we just want the words and actions?

I am thankful to have a mom who has loved me best these past 30 years and I hope I do her proud.

Wherein Bry's wing-man is a bookstore. Book suit up!

My phone really does appear to be dead, which is really quite sad, though not surprising given my inability to properly care for it in the manner in which it demands.

The good news is that a tech type at Sprint was able to reset the phone, but he did say it was on its last legs.

Tonight I went out with CJ and it was actually very nice. What started out as a creepy "Don't I know you?" conversation at Powell's ended in 1-point-5 dates over the past three days.

I subtly emphasized my junky schedule so that he isn't surprised if he never sees me again. Really, my best moments are 10pm-1am but not many people keep the same hours.

Today JG asked "what happened with the doctor?" and I responded "I can't be tamed."

The best gift I ever gave myself was the ability to be comfortable on my own and the ability to make my own easy silences.

Wherein Bry does some stuff and then eats some pie.

I typed up a blog on my phone while waiting for Nugget and then my phone went and died for no reason (unless it was trying to say "Listen beyotch, if you insist on dropping me on my head, then I insist on not working"). Which is just another reason why I hate technology. If you write something on a piece of paper, it doesn't disappear when the power shuts off or the battery dies. And if you drop the piece of paper on the floor, it doesn't break.
Well whatever I wrote, it went something like this.

I have not been blogging much lately because I've been tired and busy. If I wasn't sleep and time impoverished, I would blog every day. Instead, you get a blog whenever I damn well feel like it.

A lot has happened over the past few weeks but I either can't remember it because I'm too tired or it is not as funny or important as I once thought.

RF visited for the better part of 2 weeks and we spent the time eating, drinking and having a gay old time. No really, a gay time. We spent a lot of time talking about or actually pursuing men. I won't talk about the men on men action here. I don't want to make you blush and besides, does the FCC monitor blog content?

TN and his man-friend MS visited, too. I think MS is great and it is always nice when my friends date people I don't have to pretend to like.

I'm also moving again. Soon. I hate moving and it sucks and I'm tired of it. So I have 3 options.

1) Find a cheap place I will want to stay in forever.

2) Couch surf.

3) Move into KTs garage.

So prepare yourselves for options 2 and 3, they involve you.

My birthday is next week. I've never been too "birthday birthday" but I am looking forward to a dinner with friends and perhaps a walk or swing afterwards.

I am a bit nervy about turning 30. I always wanted to make it to Europe before I was 30 and it is not even on the horizon. It is really the only thing I've ever thought about wanting to do before hitting 30. I'm not after a husband or kids, just a bit of adventure.

I kind of remember this blog being much funnier before my phone tried to eff me over. But in between, I've eaten some soup and pie and now I'm lethargic despite copious amounts of coffee.

Today I was walking with my lethal umbrella and accidentally poked a service dog with it. His name was Sparky and he was quite nice about the whole endeavor and thank god his owner was blind so she didn't see me almost make her service dog need a service dog of his own.

There, I saved the blog from complete junk.

Wherein Bry is an Irish margarita drinker, a walker, old, and crazy all at once.

On Sunday, I actually had a weekend day off, which was shocking. I decided to take advantage by going kayaking, something I've been wanting to do for months but haven't had the time for.

I was nervous, I've only kayaked in the San Juans and on a lake, both of which involved getting into the kayak while standing in the water. Not so on the Tualatin River, where I rented a kayak, where you get in off the dock.

When I was signing the rental agreement and releasing the company of any liability, I said to GZ, "Any liability I am releasing them from, I hereby transfer to you. You are now responsible for me."

Getting into the kayak went fine because the rental dude helped me. "I'm a little worried about my dismount," I told GZ. And I sort of did worry about it for the first hour, but then I forgot because I was having a lot fun.

We saw 3 heron and a bunch of geese whom I told "I will murder you if you come near me."

It was a really great afternoon on the river and it made me sad that it took so long to make it there; where did the summer go? How many more summer nights are there left?

Tonight when I was walking post-margaritas and pre-stout at the Co. Cork Public House, I kept laughing to myself and my walking companion kept saying What? But I had no answer.

In my head I was thinking about Bry of 24 years ago. Bry that wore the biggest, nerdiest glasses in the world (pictures soon to come!). Bry who had a belly that was always showing, though I was also quite skinny. Bry who was completely clueless there would be sad times down the road. Bry who only knew that Mom was going to make her dinner and hug her and tell her she loved her. Bry who was smart and starting to become funny.

And I laughed to myself, thinking, Bry of the past has nothing on Bry of today. And if I think Bry of today is the best Bry yet, then I should be excited about Bry of the Future.

And then I started thinking about Michael J. Fox which led to thinking about what would making out with Michael J. Fox be like?

And that led to thinking about making out with Christopher Lloyd. There were a few Back to the Future steps in there, but the end result is I'm concerned that Bry of the Future might have to make out with old dudes.