I hear that a lot and I usually say, "I don't have anything to say."
Which is not entirely true. I have a lot to say, I just don't think most people want to listen to it.
Like about how much I love my dog.
Wait. You already read about that all the time.
Sometimes I write about things that have happened to me.
But.
I have not been up to much because every day when I get off work, I think I just want to go home and spend time with my dog.
Isn't that something awful?
Here is a story for you.
I sell mannequins now, among other things, and the other day a man came in and asked if I had a "tall, female, mannequin with a bald head, but normal features. She doesn't have to have arms."
Sure, I say as I lead him towards our mannequins.
Then things got weird.
He walked around all the mannequins making comments about their features. Like buying a car.
"Oh this one is has nice arms."
"This one has a great legs."
"What a great body. Do you have her with a different head?"
I trail behind him trying to decide if I'm in the presence of a serial killer, a run-of-the mill-pervert, or an artist.
Keep in mind that all of these mannequins we were looking at were flat chested, occasionally lacking arms, and in questionable condition. Some of them were previously owned.
After exhausting our female mannequin options, I let him look at the catalog in case he wanted to order a new one. A few minutes later he comes back to me with the catalog dog eared and asks for a price on two mannequins.
One has the largest boobs I've ever seen, human or otherwise, and the other one looks androgynous.
"Which do you prefer?" I ask. A loaded question for a man in any normal situation.
"It doesn't matter. I'm only interested in her torso."
At this point, I'm thinking this guy might be the weirdest person I've ever dealt with in a retail situation. And I was really puzzled by his indecision over the voluptuous mannequin and the one that looked like David Bowie.
"Either way, it's going to cost you about $350."
Which was just way too much for a mannequin, apparently.
"Okay. I'm going to go out to my bike and grab my stump. Maybe you have some arms and a head that will fit her."
And then he went outside and unstrapped his mannequin torso from his bicycle and brought it in to build his own lady friend from available parts.
And I walked away, already planning how big of a margarita that entire interaction had earned me.
This actually happened a while ago and I just got around to telling you.
Here is something that just happened, in case you like more recent Bry news.
I downloaded i-Tunes and realized I can re-download all of the songs I've previously ever purchased through i-Tunes which all occurred during a three month period in my life, after I received a butt load of i-Tunes gift cards for Christmas. Once I spent the cards, I stopped using i-Tunes.
Keep in mind that this is a snapshot of my musical interests during a three month window in 2008. Clearly my musical taste is schizophrenic.
Amy Winehouse
The Avett Brothers
Coconut Records
Enrique Iglesias
Feist
A Fine Frenzy
Once (the soundtrack)
Indigo Girls
Maroon Five
Lily Allen
Modest Mouse
Of Montreal
Prince
Radiohead
Sean Kingston
Usher
More Enrique Iglesias
Joss Stone
Reba McEntire
One Republic
Please write a one page paper analyzing my musical taste and how you imagine my life during the early spring of 2008. Then we will compare notes.
I really have nothing else to say but I don't want to leave you hanging. So here is a drink recipe for a drink I made today. Enjoy.
Cherry Mint Whiskey Ginger
Ingredients: ice, mint, bing cherries, Maker's Mark, ginger ale
To assemble:
1. At the last minute, after waking up at 11a.m and eating a popsicle for breakfast, realize today was the day you were going to eat healthy forever and ever, amen, Decide the best way to do that is to drive to the Farmer's Market and buy some fresh fruit and vegetables.
2. Procrastinate getting ready to go to the market and read a magazine article about summer cocktails. Decide that a summer cocktail at noon in 92 degree heat sounds delicious.
3. Gather your dog and head to the market, taking the long way to stop by the bank for some cash.
4. Go the market ready to buy some fruits and vegetables but get distracted by your friends at their market booth and gossip for an hour or so. Then realize, holy crap, I should buy something.
5. Wander around with your dog before buying some bing cherries that look yummy.
6. Go back to the market booth and gossip some more.
7. Realize you bought nothing and then just buy whatever your friends have at their own market booth which consists of some cucumber (cucumber! I should have put that in this drink!) and mint.
8. Sweat your balls off because it is 92 degrees.
9. Take your dog, mint, cherries, and cucumbers home.
10. Find a clean glass.
11. Pit the cherries. Add to glass with 4 or 5 mint leaves.
12. Muddle the mint and cherries together with the clean end of a wooden cooking spoon.
13. Add 2 ounces of Maker's Mark (uh. the glass was extra big, I swear).
14. Add some ice.
15. Fill the rest of the glass with ginger ale.
16. Drink and enjoy.
17. Take a nap.
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